By Carson Koschik
Like most members of the IWC, I think I know better than a multi-billion dollar company when it comes to booking wrestling shows. Also like most members of the IWC, I write about the things I think I know better about for a generally small (emphasis on small) audience. But since I've gotten bored of writing the same old predictions and reviews, I've decided I'm going to criticize (or give a big ol' thumbs up) creative plans that WWE are allegedly going to do. When I say allegedly, I mean that every thing I talk about in this article are things that dirt sheets say the WWE is reportedly planning on doing. Since dirt sheets are pretty hit and miss, everything I say they are planning is possible just misinformation. But hey, I need something to do on the weekend that isn't playing GTA or masturbating, so I'm going to go ahead and write what I please. Take that small demographic of people that actually read my stuff!
Damien Sandow turning face?
According to some reports, it seems as if WWE is planning on turning Damien Sandow face. If this is true, I can only say one thing. Please don't. There is no way to make Sandow's character work as a fan favourite. But hey, I said the same thing about Miz's face turn, and look how successful that's been so far! If WWE does go ahead and turn the Intellectual Savior face, there is only two ways that it can be done. You can either a) put him back in the Easter Bunny suit or b) give his fans a name. Kind of like how John has the Cenation or how Christian has his peeps. They can be called Sandow's washed mass. Anyways, a Sandow face turn is a bad idea overall, especially if we want to get that continuation of the Rhodes/Sandow feud a lot of people have been craving. Although the idea of having the Easter Bunny face off against Del Rio is pretty tempting...
Bray Wyatt vs. The Miz to take place at Survivor Series
Are we really using long term booking for the Miz? I know Bray Wyatt's hurt and all, but can't we just have Miz face one of Wyatt's lumberjack rapist friends? I'm all for Bray Wyatt decimating the Miz on PPV, but I just feel like two months of build-up isn't really worth it, especially considering the fact that WWE is just biding their time with Wyatt until Kane comes back. Who knows, maybe this is all leading up to Kane's return, where he joins Wyatt on his war against somewhat over midcard babyfaces. All I can say is that if Kane joins the Family, he better start wearing floral pattern shirts to the ring.
The Usos still in the Tag Team Championship picture
Apparently the Usos are going to be re-inserted into the Tag Team Championship picture, and will be facing both the Rhodes' and the Shield. A part of likes it because it puts more spotlight on an already interesting Tag division, but the other part of me hates it because there's no reason for me to believe that the Usos deserve a shot. Yes, they are technically the number one contenders for the big penny belts, but they've been number the one contenders a bagillion times over the past few months. The Shield has beaten them numerous times and putting them up against the Rhodes' would just be stupid. The only thing that would get me somewhat onboard is if the Usos turned heel and joined cousin Roman (bowling!), but that idea is pretty stupid. The Usos deserve to be Tag Team Champions sooner or later, but they're going to have to wait for the Shield and the Rhodes' to be out of the title picture for their chance to shine.
Big Show vs. Triple H planned for Survivor Series
In the immoral words of Daniel Bryan, "NO! NO! NO!". Yes, it seems as if WWE is penciling Show vs. Triple H for Survivor Series, and I doubt anybody in the world is excited about it. If Triple H is facing anybody, it should no doubt be Daniel Bryan. God knows we've seen Big Show and Triple H duke it out enough times over the past decade. The worst part is that if Show vs. HHH does happen, it's probably going to be the main event. I think Big Show vs. Randy Orton would be more appropriate, or maybe Big Show vs. his feelings. I wouldn't mind seeing Show sit in the ring by himself trying to come to terms with himself while crying and rocking back and forth. He's basically been doing that for the past month, the only difference being that he was reluctantly knocking out people while doing it. Well, except for Miz. Big Show was smiling on the inside when that happened.
The Bella Twins vs. AJ Lee & Tamina replacing actual title match at Hell In A Cell
I have nothing against the Bella Twins. Yes, the only reason they were hired was because they are twins, and yes, it's pretty easy to tell them apart nowadays, but they are decent characters who are actually somewhat decent in the ring. The problem here is that they are getting exposure on the sole basis that they are fucking the two top guys in the company. But like I said, I have nothing against them for that. If I was a woman and I had a chance to sleep with Cena or Bryan, I'd totally go for it. Hell, I don't think I'd even need to be a woman. But the fact that WWE thinks that we're going to get behind the Bellas because of who they're in a relationship with or what reality show they are on is stupid. I don't mind seeing Brie involved in Bryan's storyline, they're getting married for Christ's sake. But I don't want to see Brie in the title picture. There is no way to justify her being Divas Champion. And yes, she's totally going to win the Divas Championship. We're going to get a little happy couple of champions who will forever be...wait, I'm staring to veer of track of what my original point was. Apparently instead of an actual title match between AJ and Brie we're getting the Bellas vs. AJ and her personal Diesel, Tamina Snuka. The buy rates are gonna go through the roof when that match is announced.
Big E Langston/Curtis Axel program being planned
This one isn't really a rumour anymore, as the internet's favorite big black bootied wrestler (sorry Naomi) joined forces with CM Punk on Smackdown and took out Curtis Axel and Ryback. Big E Langston is a rare case of Big Man, as the internet fucking loves him. For good reason too. The guy is good in the ring, good on the mic, extremely entertaining, has a nice ass. All they need to do is let him do his five count gimmick from NXT and he'll easily be one of the most over people on the roster. When he eventually faces Axel for the IC title, you can take it to the bank that he's winning that title. And from that moment on, it will be the moment starting then of the Genesis of Big E Langston.
Los Matadores to square off against the Real Americans
Sure, I guess. I don't really care for Los Matadores and the only reason I care about the Real Americans is because Cesaro is awesome. The feud makes sense, and it's about time we had a real feud in the lowcard, but will anyone actually care? Whatever, as long I get to see Cesaro Big Swing El Torito for ten minutes I'll be happy.
WWE wants Goldberg and Sting for WrestleMania XXX
Ah, it's that time of year again. When the leaves turn orange, pumpkin pie is served, and reports of Sting wrestling at WrestleMania make their way onto the internet. Would it be cool to see Sting in WWE? Or course. Would he actually have a good match with the Undertaker? Probably not. Sting's old, and not old in a cool "I can put on a five star match once a year" type of way. The dude wrestles with a shirt on. Maybe if he actually came to WWE he could team up with Rey Mysterio and form the "Old Wrestlers Who Are Self-Conscious About Their Body". I could see a good tag title run from them. But Sting isn't coming to the WWE. He probably never will. Reports also say that Goldberg might be coming back for WrestleMania XXX too. Ya, that's not happening either. The dirt sheet information on what mega stars are returning for WrestleMania are about as solid as the dirt sheet reports on what former mid-level talent will be appearing for Royal Rumble. And let's be honest, Goldberg wasn't that amazing of a wrestler. If he had a match at 'Mania (which would most likely be against Ryback), it would end up sucking. So let's just try and be happy only having Brock, Rock, Triple H, and Undertaker as our part-timers who do WrestleMania, okay?
Make sure to follow me on Twitter @SmarkInProgress, where I re-word other people's jokes and pass them off as my own.
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